Can we talk about loss?

Marie was coming to terms with her pregnancy. With two startups and a toddler already, she would make things work. When she miscarried, her feelings became a lot more complicated. Welcome to The Club.

Content warning: This story discusses pregnancy loss.

Like so many other entrepreneurs, Marie Dowling is constantly balancing her family and her two startups – and weighing up when might be the ‘right’ time to expand her young family.

So, last year, when she saw two lines emerge on a pregnancy test, she panicked, overwhelmed at the prospect of building her businesses as a mum of two.

When Marie Dowling lost her pregnancy, to say she had complex feelings about it is an understatement. Image: supplied.

“It’s not that I don’t want another baby. I do,” Marie explains.

“It’s that I’ve struggled so much looking after one baby while building my startups.”

Marie has taken meetings with the Wiggles in the background; she’s closed her laptop and crawled to bed at 2am, only to be woken up again at 4am.

Perhaps less ordinarily, she saw her son’s daycare centre shut down unexpectedly, leaving the family without childcare for a month — while Marie was completing Startmate’s Launch Club.

In theory, Marie says she and her husband split responsibilities equally, including the parenting.

But as the partner without the traditional office job, she tends to be the ‘default’. She’s the one who’s home during the day; the one on call when the viruses strike (and as any toddler parent will tell you, that’s a lot).

Adding another child into the mix felt almost impossible. But then Marie took a look around.

At about this time, Aussie Angels founder Cheryl Mack had shared her story of raising capital while pregnant, and Verve Super’s Christina Hobbs had taken to the stage at SXSW Sydney, with her three-day-old baby on the boob.

“Founders can be mums, and mums can be inspiring founders. I could do it too,” Marie says.

“But, just as I found the determination to make it all work, the pregnancy stopped.”

Mourn-as-you-go

Marie had miscarried before. She knew the signs. The first time, however, she was working in a team of “beautiful humans”, who made sure she took time off to take care of herself, physically and emotionally.

This time, she was on her own. Her toddler caught RSV, and she had meetings in the diary that felt harder to cancel than just get done.

“What do you tell people when you miscarry as a solopreneur? ‘Hey, sorry, I have lost my pregnancy, can we postpone our meeting?’,” she asks.

“It’s mourn-as-you-go.”

With an estimated one in four pregnancies ending in miscarriage, it stands to reason that there must be other entrepreneurs out there who have been in Marie’s position. But she had never heard anyone talk about it.

Among everything, that was almost the biggest challenge.

“It sucks not being able to talk about it: about being so conflicted about your family situation; about being so sad for a pregnancy that you weren't sure you could manage in the first place; about being terrified of what a pregnancy would do to your startup at such early stages.”

We are seeing more and more discussion of the challenges women can face in startups and entrepreneurship, including around parenthood and pregnancy.

Now, Marie wants to shine a light on loss, and the conflicting feelings that come with it. She wants to start a conversation, so others might not feel quite so isolated.

Marie travelling with her two-year-old son. Image: supplied.

The deck is stacked

When Marie tells me her story, her miscarriage is recent, painful and raw. Between her grief, physical recovery and the reality of just not being able to stop, she admits she’s struggling. Of course she is.

But the miscarriage has also ignited a sense of rage: rage that her family planning is connected to her business planning at all; rage that a pregnancy feels like a barrier to funding, when so few investment dollars go to women as it is.

Rage at the strangers at networking events who ask her who’s looking after her kid, and shower praise on her husband when they find out he’s ‘babysitting’.

Rage that, for women in tech, it always feels like the deck is stacked.

“The juggle is real. But also, the struggle is motivating,” Marie says.

“My mum told me: ‘if you have given something your best shot, then you have succeeded, regardless of the results’,” she says (adding with a laugh that “it sounds better in French”).

So, she’s going to continue giving her all to her family and to her work. Because when all is said and done, it’s worth it. It has to be.

“If I am going to work around and away from my son, it has to be work I am so passionate about I can give it my best shot — at any time of the day or night.”

If you’re struggling with pregnancy loss, support is available at:

Red Nose Grief and Support Loss line: 1300 308 307

PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia): 1300 726 306

Pregnancy, Birth and Baby: 1800 882 436

The Pink Elephants Support Network

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Sound familiar? Join the conversation…

Does Marie’s story resonate with you? Have you supported a friend or colleague through a loss, and noticed gaps in the system that only made things harder?

Or, have you experienced another kind of loss or hardship, and struggled to find time to grieve?

If you’re up for sharing, we’d love to hear your perspectives in the comments.

You can also share this story with anyone you think it might speak to. Or, share the newsletter with your business besties.

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Who are we?

We’re Marie Dowling and Stef Palmer-Derrien, two business buddies navigating the tech, startup and small biz world with toddlers in tow.

👸🏻 Stef Palmer-Derrien is a freelance writer, journalist and word person, specialising in startups, tech and small business. Stef is also the co-founder and editor of The Club as well as media advisor at Newsary.

Stef is a parent to a two-year-old wrecking ball of a child, and also a dog who has absolutely no chill.

👸🏼 Marie Dowling is the other brain behind The Club and a self-proclaimed startup town crier. As the founder of PR startups Newsary and EzyCom, she is committed to democratising PR to share all the stories that make our world move.

She’s also la maman to a beautiful two-year-old and an Australian bulldog who does nothing but chill.