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Entrepreneurship vs a sleep regression
✍🏼 Stef Palmer-Derrien
As I rock, and pace, and pat, and soothe, my mind is on that deadline looming at the end of the week.
I think of all the things I’ve committed to; all the emails I really do need to send. My anxiety creeps from my stomach to my chest, and I start to feel a little sick.
Is this having it all?
There are so many positives to being self-employed as a working mum.
But at 4 am – when I’m standing and rocking, cuddling my toddler back to sleep (again), arms aching – those positives don’t spring immediately to mind.
I rock him until he drifts off, only then can I sit. We cuddle until he’s in a deep, comatose sleep, only then can I gently place him into his bed and creep back into my own.
Any misstep, any move made too soon, and he’s awake again, crying as if his world is ending. And the whole process starts again.
I repeat the mantra: ‘he’s not giving me a hard time, he’s having a hard time’. (Teething? Virus? Growth spurt? Sleep regression? Too hot? Too cold? Overtired? Undertired?)
But as I rock, and pace, and pat, and soothe, my mind is on that deadline looming at the end of the week. I think of all the things I’ve committed to; all the emails I really do need to send. My anxiety creeps from my stomach to my chest, and I start to feel a little sick.
Is this having it all?
I’m mentally weighing up what can wait and what can’t. Because when you are your own boss, you can’t call in sick. There is no one to delegate to.
Don’t get me wrong, I know having a ‘real job’ would have its own challenges, and there’s some strange comfort in knowing that everything on my to-do list is something I put there myself.
But as any sole trader will tell you, it’s hard to say no to work.
It’s also hard to give 100% to your career and to your family. At times like this, I don’t feel like I’m doing either very well.
I think of every colleague I’ve ever had who’s become a parent and returned to work. Did they have nights like this, too?
Were they too functioning on a few hours of snatched sleep and a lot of coffee? And if so, why didn’t anyone ever talk about it?
Of course, I know the answer, really.
It’s because the next morning, when you say: ‘I had a rough night’, you get a sympathetic nod and the grimace of solidarity, and that’s the end of it.
There is nothing to be done, so you euphemise and downplay.
You can bet that the people to whom I owe emails and articles don’t hear about how I was shushing and rocking, through my own frustrated tears, for a full three hours last night.
Anyway, everything’s better in the daylight, and in retrospect, when that same toddler is all cuddles and nonsense chatter, and I can’t conceive of anything other than pure joy in his presence.
But I can’t be the only one trying to function professionally on minimal sleep. In fact, I know I’m not.
It’s the feeling that business, entrepreneurship, and the whole world of work is designed for men, and that women are welcome only if they contort themselves to fit.
For all the talk of how hard it can be for women running businesses (and particularly in tech), there is so much we still don’t talk about.
Today, for me, it’s the workload of parenting on top of an almost full-time job. In the past, it’s been working through the pain of period cramps or sitting distracted in a meeting with my (conservative, male) boss, certain I must be bleeding through my jeans.
For others, it’s hot flushes at just the wrong time, or another cycle of IVF they’re not ready to talk about. It’s the feeling that brilliance is reserved for women under 40.
Beyond that, there’s the pressure to champion a cause; to be a protector and a change-maker; to speak up, always.
And overarching it all, it’s the feeling that business, entrepreneurship, and the whole world of work is designed for men, and that women are welcome only if they contort themselves to fit.
Like I said, there are plenty of positives to being a self-employed working mum. There are more good days (and nights) than bad. I’ve done some work I’m immensely proud of, and some that allows me to comfortably pay the bills.
I know having too much work to do is a good problem to have. And I know how lucky I am to have a healthy, thriving kiddo… one who is a delight 99% of the time.
This week, with no one to answer to, I’ll log off early, take the dog to the park and get a pedicure.
That’s a privilege, and I know it. I also know how important it is to share the tough stuff as well as the good.
As women, we have plenty of tough stuff to go around.
Did this story resonate with you? Leave a comment to let us know.
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Who are we?
We’re Marie Dowling and Stef Palmer-Derrien, two business buddies navigating the tech, startup and small biz world with toddlers in tow.
👸🏻 Stef Palmer-Derrien is a freelance writer, journalist and word person, specialising in startups, tech and small business. Stef is also the co-founder and editor of The Club as well as media advisor at Newsary.
Stef is a parent to an almost two-year-old wrecking ball of a child, and also a dog who has absolutely no chill.
👸🏼 Marie Dowling is the other brain behind The Club and a self-proclaimed startup town crier. As the founder of PR startups Newsary and EzyCom, she is committed to democratising PR to share all the stories that make our world move.
She’s also la maman to a beautiful two-year-old and an Australian bulldog who does nothing but chill.
Such a powerful story Stef. Every word resonated! But for me it's also the overarching feeling that having it all, is actually never being enough.
Gosh, so many feels reading this. I can never escape the exacerbation of feeling behind and failing on all fronts muming and working. Thanks for such a great read. Here's to solidarity!